Begging For Forgiveness

My life is not a movie and it's not a game.  I can't just top-up on whatever I need, or reset the level with the click of a button.  We sometimes forget that the things we say and do have consequences, and sometimes those consequences don't disappear overnight.

And a choice I made has had consequences that is going to take a lot of hard work to rectify.  If it was only me that needed the work it wouldn't be so difficult, but there is a relationship in this equation that also needs restoration, and because of my choice I came very close to messing it up beyond repair.

Our brains are enormously intricate and mysterious.  Mine tricked me into believing that if I close my eyes and hold my breath, the problem would just go away.  Much the same way your brain makes you forget certain things after a traumatic experience.

Lucky for me, God refused to let me forget and He kept reminding me that I was heading down a very dangerous and messy path.  I tried justifying my choice, but I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was going to have to turn around and never look back.  And in order to receive healing I was going to have to confess and tell the truth (all of it) to the person that would be hurt by this the most.  To say that I was scared senseless would be the understatement of the year.

But I made my decision and I hoped and prayed that I wasn't too late and that he would know that I was sincere in my apology.  It was difficult, because our instinctive human nature is to omit things so that it doesn't make you look completely evil or bad, but I forced myself to be brutally honest and (for lack of a better description) I spilled the beans.

I've been on the receiving end of grace and compassion before, but when he extended his offer of grace and forgiveness, I was overwhelmed.  Yes, you're right, it's not over yet and it will take a lot of hard work to restore the trust, but I have hope.

I have learnt the hard way, that the truth truly does set you free and I hope that in sharing this with you, it motivates you to speak the truth and experience freedom.  And we should never think that we can do this on our own.  We are not strong enough.  That's why the following is so true:

Matthew 19:26  "Humanly speaking, it is impossible.  But with God everything is possible."

The Downside of being a Christian

Not too long ago, a dear friend of mine asked me when I'd be posting a blog again.  My response was completely justified in my opinion, because I thought that I was giving him a legitimate excuse.  I said:  "I haven't had any inspiration lately."

The truth is, a lot of creative and artistic people hide behind that excuse and I'm probably one of the biggest culprits.  But in actual fact, you don't have to wait for inspiration in order to be creative.  I think all of us were born creatively.

But I'm not here to talk about creativity today.  I'm here to talk about how I recently wished that I wasn't a Christian.  Yes, go ahead, gasp all you like, but you'll agree with me soon.

Whether you have been a Christian all your life, or you have recently made that commitment, you would agree that one of the things that warms your heart the most is the fact that fellow Christians have a tendency to be generous with compassion and grace.  Not always, but mostly.  Most Christians I've known would embrace you and your quirks with open arms and do everything in their power to make you feel accepted.  

But because we are surrounded by this kind of behaviour on a regular basis, it's sometimes easy to forget that grace and compassion aren't necessarily found in every single human being out there.  I recently learnt that the hard way, from someone who was very close and dear to my heart, and it has hurt me tremendously.

I look back on the experience and I know that I will get through it because I'm strong enough due to the amazing people that surround me, and the supernatural strength and power of a God that stands outside of time; but I also find myself wishing that this aspect of my life, my trust in other's compassion and grace, was less overpowering, because it would have made it easier for me to deal with the pain that I had to go through...because it wouldn't have been such a surprise to me.

I also learnt something else about myself during this time.  I can be extremely, supernaturally, creepily calm during conflict, accusation and emotional attack.

That alone should scare the crap out of whoever decides to put me through this in the future.  Maybe it's only fair to warn them.  I think I'll get a T-shirt: Calmer Under Pressure Than Is Humanly Possible - Be Afraid.

Right, I have to go and Google local T-shirt printing companies...

Newspaper and Wrapping Paper

When I think about some of the things I did when I was a child, and compare it to the stories my friends tell, or the things I see in movies, I realize that I was a very obedient child.  Of course, I’m telling you this with the appropriate amount of humility that is needed.

Let me explain:  Take Christmas presents for instance; I never used to treasure-hunt my way through the house to find the presents and then open, peak and re-wrap just to pretend that I’m surprised when I eventually receive my present from my parents.  Firstly, I could never understand why people would do that, and secondly, I’m not that good of an actor!

As usual, I have a point to make and this brings me to my fascination with packaging.  Mind you, I don’t have a constant fascination with packaging, but for this purpose, let’s say I do.

We all know that it doesn’t really matter if you use brown paper, newspaper or pretty paper to wrap a present; at the end of the day it’s about the gift inside, because most of us throw the wrapping away anyway.

And it’s exactly the same when we create an expectation for ourselves.  It doesn’t matter what you are expecting, it could be a specific career path, a life partner, a home you wish to purchase or a friendship you are busy cultivating – all of us have a natural expectation of what these things are supposed to be like and how they are supposed to be packaged.  But here’s a question:  Who decides what these things are supposed to look like?  You? Or someone else?

We are constantly influenced by so many outside factors that it sometimes keeps us from discovering the truly amazing gifts that are hidden under the “newspaper” wrapping, because we are sub-consciously programmed to find and want the “pretty paper”.

Maybe you have a few “newspaper” gifts in your life that you have ignored.  And I don’t mean to imply that anyone is shallow or materialistic, but when we focus on the supposed “pretty paper” (because we think that is what we need, or what is important), we don’t always see what we are meant to.

And just as with everything, “newspaper” and “pretty paper” is in the eye of the beholder.  I can honestly say that I have discovered so many hidden gems in places that I never thought to look, just because I realized that my perception needed to change.

It’s liberating!

You Have Reached Your Destination

The intelligent and respected people of our society constantly tell us that our life is a Journey and not a destination.  Personally, I would like to meet these so called “they” that people always reference when they are trying to sound as if they are in the know, but for this exercise, it is irrelevant.  I mostly agree with the statement that we should never see our life as a destination, because if we do, we might believe we have reached the end of our road and set up camp, but in actual fact there might still be so many more things that we needed to explore.

I do, however, believe that we also shouldn’t just treat life as a journey, constantly moving and passing important destinations by.  All of us have a destination, a place that we love, a place we go to when we need to re-calibrate, re-boot, re-fuel and re-focus.  And obviously I’m not just referring to a physical place.

I had the privilege of meeting an amazing family a few years ago and I believe that it was a God-appointment even before I realized what was going on.  The wife was my teacher when I was in Grade 3 and after I returned to South Africa from my stay in London, I started working with the husband, helping out at a camp-site in the mountains just outside of Franschhoek.  I remember looking forward to those camps as if they were the only oases in an otherwise really dry desert.  We would spend hours around the big kitchen table, solving the problems of the world, delving into deep and meaningful discussions, and laughing at the most ridiculous of jokes (these kitchen-table-chats would usually take place around midnight!).  And these moments would be incomplete without coffee and hot chocolate, obviously.

The family was given an opportunity at their dream job and about 18 months ago they moved to Beaufort West which is approximately 6 hours’ drive from where I live, and this weekend my sister and I took to the road for a long overdue visit.

From the moment we greeted each other with long hugs, I knew that I would return home rested and inspired.  And I was right.

I guess each and everyone of us know that you sometimes don’t have to say a word but you can still be inspired, or even inspire someone.  That is exactly what happened this weekend.  My spirit, my being and my deep self was completely stripped of all stress.  I felt relaxed.  We laughed, we slept, we ate, we talked, we explored.  And at the end of the day I returned home exactly the way I thought I would: rested and inspired.

See, sometimes a destination is the presence of people that constantly have a positive and healthy influence on their surroundings and the people they encounter.  They are people who don't judge, condemn or pressure you for the time you spend with them.  Thank you Blikkies, Ronel, Jannes, Rian and Juan for being a nurturing destination for me and so many others.

Now, go and make a date with your destination; I’m sure you could do with some re-fueling!

Us Normal Little People

When I asked a friend what he thought of the latest Marvel Comics movie, The Avengers, he provided me with a very succinct and quotable answer.  In fact, I reckon it should be included in every single positive review of the movie...no, wait, hang on...I'm assuming there will be negative reviews - silly me.

"It was too short."  That's what he said, and that's a sentiment I share wholeheartedly.

When I first saw the trailer for the movie, I was so excited I could hardly contain myself, so when I bought my ticket to go see it the first time (yes, it's not a typo, I did say "first time"; because there was a second time...and there might be a third time!) I was a little bit scared that it wasn't going to live up to my expectations.  But I was being silly again, it absolutely lived up to my expectations, and because of Joss Whedon being the director, it took my expectation and shot it out into space, far beyond the limit of the skies.

Who is Joss Whedon?  Did you seriously just ask that question?  Yes, of course I can hear you wondering out loud behind your computer, I have skills...silly reader.

Joss Whedon is the genius who brought you Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly and subsequently the movie Serentiy.  Yes, I own all of them...proudly.

But I'm not actually writing this blog because I want to review the movie, or Joss Whedon's epicness.  I'm writing because movies like these always leave me a little depressed if I'm not careful.  Think about it, you have six people with super-abilities and very high skill-sets defending the planet against Transformer-like creatures from an un-imaginable realm.   A planet filled with people that do not have the super-abilities to defend themselves.

And then I usually find myself wishing I had a superpower.

So, in an effort to make myself, and you all, feel better about Us Normal Little People, here's what I think:

Yes, The Avengers have a Demi-God (Thor) and two Gamma-Freaks (Captain America and Hulk), but then they have the following:  "A genius, millionaire, playboy philanthropist" (Tony Stark's words, not mine) in the form of Iron Man.  His suit comes entirely from his genius and his ability to push his own limits in understanding science.  Granted, he started out with very selfish motives, but in the end his diligence resulted in a Protector that Earth really needed.  Secondly, you have a Russian spy named Natasha Romanov.  She's absolutely human, but she has such a subtle and specific skill-set that, if you blink, you miss it:  She ALWAYS gets the information she needs (and she doesn't even have to shed a shred of clothing to get it).  Lastly, we have Clint Barton, another spy, also absolutely human.  He's the greatest marksman on the planet, not because he may have accidentally drank an unnamed green substance or injected himself with luminous blue glitter (or got bitten by a radio-active spider...haha!); he has this skill because he devoted his life to develop it and to understanding it.

My point is, I want you to look at your group of friends.  You will most probably have a representation of the Avengers in that group, and if it's not evident from the start, play a game of Find the Hero and you might be surprised.  There might not be a guy (or girl) in that group that physically transforms into a "big green rage monster" (once again, Tony Stark's words, not mine), but you may know someone that have overcome anger-management issues against all odds.

And if you step back and think that you're the Normal Little Human, remember Natasha and Clint; they're not called Black Widow and Hawkeye for nothing.  Find your skill and work at it, sharpen it and aim for the best.  Who knows, maybe one day you'll have your own metaphorical Iron Man suit with which to protect what is close to your heart.

And don't stop when you face the possibility of failure:  "And if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damn sure we'll avenge it."  Again, Mr Tony Stark.

Action Movies...And that Pesky Little Villain!

One of the many reasons that I enjoy watching action movies, is that it's pretty obvious who the villain is.  Their plan also usually involves in-your-face attacks and confrontations.  Even if you don't usually watch these kinds of movies, it's quite easy to tell very early on how the hero is going to have to defend himself.  Plus...big explosions!  Yes please!

Also, the hero is able to pinpoint exactly where the problem lies and face it head-on.  Sometimes I even find myself wishing I could live in such a movie!  Yes, I'd have scrapes, bruises, broken bones and gaping wounds on a very regular basis, but at least I will have something tangible and beatable to fight.

It's not that easy fighting battles in this life of ours.  We expect our confrontations to come head-on; or at the very least, we wish that they would, but unfortunately most of our battle-scars are invisible, emotional, psychological.

Have you sometimes wondered why things in your life that used to run smoothly, have derailed all of a sudden?  Do you stand confused at the seemingly random disastrous turn your life has taken after you thought everything was going so well?

I'm not here to try and tell you that I understand why all of these things are happening.  My point is actually to tell you that these things aren't random.  We are constantly battling things, right?  Of course you know this...everybody knows this.  But what we sometimes forget is that these battles sneak up on us in the most unexpected of places; the places we thought weren't important enough to attack; the places in our lives that invisibly hold us together and make us who we are.

And they happen because the ultimate (defeated, mind you) villain has figured out that if he kicks you at exactly that spot, you'll be crippled.  So you're going to have to come up with an action plan to get strong and fit enough to prevent him from taking away who you are.  It would be really cool if every training session in real life had an awesome movie soundtrack to it!  But alas...

Here's what I think that training programme should look like:

• Surround yourself with people, friends and best friends who knows you well enough to help identify the villain's weak spots.  Spend time with them, listen to their counsel and take it to heart;
• Spend time with yourself, get to know YOU.  Remind yourself that you are awesome, amazing and totally the hero of your own movie!
• Make sure to spend some time with God, because, let's face it, He's the writer, director and producer of your life. Oh, and that defeated villain up there?  Guess Who kicked his ass?  Haha!

So all you need to do is, place your foot neatly and squarely on the villains chest, because he was already beaten down into the ground completely!

Drama, Drama...No Thanks!

Before we start this discussion, you and I need to enter into a contract of agreement.  This is serious stuff, so please listen carefully:

You are, under no circumstances (not even under the threat of total annihilation), allowed to tell my mom what I am about to tell you.  Yes, my mom still scares me...a little bit.

Right, with that out of the way, let's begin.

For those of you who know me, I apologize, but I have to state, for anyone who might not have a clue who I am, that I thoroughly enjoy watching movies and stories.  Especially if they contain things that blow up, great action scenes, time travel and witty banter.  Superman always used to be my favourite superhero, but I've realized that The Doctor far outshines him in any situation.

But this is not the point of my rantings and ravings.  I was sitting in front of the television yesterday evening, flipping through the three charity channels we are so graciously blessed to have here in South Africa; and because of the time of day, almost every channel had some form of overly dramatic soapie showing.  I've always believed that walking in on a story playing on TV and seeing the scene out of context, will most probably cause you to have a completely different opinion from what you would have had if you viewed it from the start.  Even if it's your favourite show on the planet!

In the split second I spent flipping through the channels I caught a few seconds of Days of our Lives (I think...that's the one with the evil Italian old guy that refuses to die, right?), and I suddenly realized: "90% of drama in our lives weren't supposed to be drama at all."

I'll try and explain it this way:  For me, sitting in front of my computer watching DVD's (It has a really BIG screen and a nice sound-system) has always been the chosen way of relaxing and escaping.  And it won't change, because it's still something I love doing.  But at some point I've allowed it to become bigger than my life.  So much so that I almost stopped living my life...I created an alternative life. (And I moaned because I didn't have a life!  Yes, lame, I know!).  My mom ALWAYS tells me to stop watching movies because I'm wasting away my life (hence the contract I made you "sign" at the beginning of this post).

So, what changed, you might ask?  Let me tell you, it wasn't some big Thor-like hammer falling from the sky, landing on my head that made me realize what was happening.  It happened very slowly, almost imperceptible.

And it's not rocket-science, quantum-physics or any other sciency, mathy thingy that I don't seem to understand.  I just realized that all the little worlds we create around ourselves will never be a substitute for the real world we live in, the real experiences we are supposed to be having, the real fun that awaits us around every corner.

Yes, travelling through time and space with The Doctor will always be something I'd one day want to do, but  shutting myself away and ignoring the amazing life that God has given me to live, is just going to create more drama and pain than is necessary.

So, look at the world you've created around yourself and be honest:  Is this world attracting unnecessary drama?  Is the real adventure locked up in the life that God, in His amazing wisdom, has chosen for you?

Go on then!  Go find that fun adventure!

How do you learn?

"Be open minded' is a phrase that everyone is familiar with.  I have no idea when you may have heard it the first time, but I could offer a guess and say that it was either from someone in a leadership position, or someone who wanted to sway your opinion forcefully.

Regardless of whether or not your encounter with this phrase has negative or positive connotations, it is still completely true.  And we all love to think that we do have an open mind, but do we really?  Do we actually have an open mind towards everything in our life, everything we encounter and everyone we meet?  No, we don't.

For instance, the first place most of us lack open-mindedness is in the area of where our information, growth and teaching comes from.  If you are part of a church, you expect all the life-giving and life-changing information to come from your pastor, your circle of friends, your spiritual mentor, your Bible study group.

If you are privileged to be employed in your dream job, you expect this information to come from a boss, a colleague or the industry itself.

Having a close-knit family might lead you to believe that that's the only place you will receive your guidance from.  It's different for everyone, but we all fall in the same trap: we don't expect guidance and teaching to come from anywhere else.

I've learned (slowly but surely) that I shouldn't be surprised when I find myself growing and learning through other means.  And in my case, this means (to a certain extent) that I'm learning from the shows I watch.

Very recently (and still ongoing) I've been challenged to look at the way I approach life.  We are such a selfish species (and I say "species" because my current "teacher" is The Doctor...a time traveller who encounters many alien races!); even those who are the least selfish had to make a conscious decision to think and concentrate away from themselves.  This begs the question:  How do you approach something new, something you've never encountered before, someone that's completely different from you, something or someone that may be the opposite of you, something or someone that may not have the best of intentions?

I reckon we should approach everything with childlike and wide-eyed wonder.  Look at it with excitement, be hungry to learn about it.  And if it turns out to be something bad, recognise it for what it is; but if it's brilliant, acknowledge its brilliance.  And if it's brilliantly bad...well, tip your hat to it's brilliance before you turn around and give it no hold on your life.

We are sharing this life with so many exceptionally different and fascinating people and things; why would we limit our knowledge because we are too afraid to learn?

A Time-Travelling Lunatic

It's not a state secret that I'm a very big fan of sci-fi and fantasy; and I honestly prefer watching Batman/Superman/Wolverine being anti-social while kicking some ass without breaking a sweat, than watching Horatio Caine play musical chairs with his sunglasses while choking on some lame one-liner during another montage-filled episode of any given CSI (especially the Miami one...I REALLY don't like that one!).

And as with anything that we choose to have in our lives, just because I say I like sci-fi doesn't mean that I will watch anything with lasers, aliens and superpowers in them (I've never liked Start Trek).

Some time ago I was re-watching Startgate SG1 (and ultimately Stargate Atlantis) and I realised that episodes with a certain, very specific, plot made me even more giddy than usual (yes, I used the word giddy...YOU try and say it and keep feeling down in the dumps!). Anyway, time-travel...I absolutely love watching shows that feature time-travel in some shape or form. But most of the shows I watch, only dedicate about one episode every two seasons to time-travel, which is in no way satisfactory to my needs. Five years ago, all of that changed for me.

I met The Doctor. Timelord. Lunatic. Comedian. Humanitarian. If you have not heard of The Doctor...go to Wikipedia (I'm seriously not going to try and educate you on the subject matter...it'll take forever!). Just know that this show first started in 1965 - 47 years of information will keep you busy for quite some time. The Doctor is (according to him) the last of his kind, over 900 years old, travels through time and space in a blue police box called the Tardis (Time And Relative Dimension In Space) and he does a lot of running...a LOT of running!

But I tried figuring out why I prefer time-travel to any other form of sci-fi, and you know what I found? It's not because of all the close-to-death adventures that lie waiting in another time, or the aliens you could meet if you travel to the year five-billion.

It's about seeing and experiencing cultures and people that time has forgotten. Incidentally this is also why I love stories of ghost-towns and abandoned buildings so much...the mystery. I want to know the story of what happened there, and WHY it happened.

So, no, I don't necessarily want to become a time-travelling vigilante brandishing guns, swords and lightsabers, but I love the idea of meeting lost civilizations during the time in history that they were still flourishing.

On the other hand, everything would happen out of order if you were to travel through time on a regular basis...it might get a little bit confusing. Maybe that's why The Doctor is a bit of a lunatic.