Begging For Forgiveness

My life is not a movie and it's not a game.  I can't just top-up on whatever I need, or reset the level with the click of a button.  We sometimes forget that the things we say and do have consequences, and sometimes those consequences don't disappear overnight.

And a choice I made has had consequences that is going to take a lot of hard work to rectify.  If it was only me that needed the work it wouldn't be so difficult, but there is a relationship in this equation that also needs restoration, and because of my choice I came very close to messing it up beyond repair.

Our brains are enormously intricate and mysterious.  Mine tricked me into believing that if I close my eyes and hold my breath, the problem would just go away.  Much the same way your brain makes you forget certain things after a traumatic experience.

Lucky for me, God refused to let me forget and He kept reminding me that I was heading down a very dangerous and messy path.  I tried justifying my choice, but I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was going to have to turn around and never look back.  And in order to receive healing I was going to have to confess and tell the truth (all of it) to the person that would be hurt by this the most.  To say that I was scared senseless would be the understatement of the year.

But I made my decision and I hoped and prayed that I wasn't too late and that he would know that I was sincere in my apology.  It was difficult, because our instinctive human nature is to omit things so that it doesn't make you look completely evil or bad, but I forced myself to be brutally honest and (for lack of a better description) I spilled the beans.

I've been on the receiving end of grace and compassion before, but when he extended his offer of grace and forgiveness, I was overwhelmed.  Yes, you're right, it's not over yet and it will take a lot of hard work to restore the trust, but I have hope.

I have learnt the hard way, that the truth truly does set you free and I hope that in sharing this with you, it motivates you to speak the truth and experience freedom.  And we should never think that we can do this on our own.  We are not strong enough.  That's why the following is so true:

Matthew 19:26  "Humanly speaking, it is impossible.  But with God everything is possible."

The Downside of being a Christian

Not too long ago, a dear friend of mine asked me when I'd be posting a blog again.  My response was completely justified in my opinion, because I thought that I was giving him a legitimate excuse.  I said:  "I haven't had any inspiration lately."

The truth is, a lot of creative and artistic people hide behind that excuse and I'm probably one of the biggest culprits.  But in actual fact, you don't have to wait for inspiration in order to be creative.  I think all of us were born creatively.

But I'm not here to talk about creativity today.  I'm here to talk about how I recently wished that I wasn't a Christian.  Yes, go ahead, gasp all you like, but you'll agree with me soon.

Whether you have been a Christian all your life, or you have recently made that commitment, you would agree that one of the things that warms your heart the most is the fact that fellow Christians have a tendency to be generous with compassion and grace.  Not always, but mostly.  Most Christians I've known would embrace you and your quirks with open arms and do everything in their power to make you feel accepted.  

But because we are surrounded by this kind of behaviour on a regular basis, it's sometimes easy to forget that grace and compassion aren't necessarily found in every single human being out there.  I recently learnt that the hard way, from someone who was very close and dear to my heart, and it has hurt me tremendously.

I look back on the experience and I know that I will get through it because I'm strong enough due to the amazing people that surround me, and the supernatural strength and power of a God that stands outside of time; but I also find myself wishing that this aspect of my life, my trust in other's compassion and grace, was less overpowering, because it would have made it easier for me to deal with the pain that I had to go through...because it wouldn't have been such a surprise to me.

I also learnt something else about myself during this time.  I can be extremely, supernaturally, creepily calm during conflict, accusation and emotional attack.

That alone should scare the crap out of whoever decides to put me through this in the future.  Maybe it's only fair to warn them.  I think I'll get a T-shirt: Calmer Under Pressure Than Is Humanly Possible - Be Afraid.

Right, I have to go and Google local T-shirt printing companies...