Why....? On So Many Levels...

The "Why?" question can be applied to an infinite number of things in our lives. I wish to apply it to only one thing at the moment:

MY JOB!!!!!

I sit here on a daily basis, staring at numbers. Numbers??!! For crying out loud! Numbers, math and anything related to numbers and figures have NEVER made sense to me...not even a little bit. I don't see patterns, solutions, answers or pictures in them. To me it's just a bunch of scribbles.

So, what does 90% of my job entail? Figuring out what the relationship and pattern is between numbers. What the hell?

And I'm not talking Rocket Science, Deep Space Telemetry, hardcore Math Geek stuff here. This is simple 1+1 = 2 baby steps.

I hate it...I really really do, and I don't see why I've been stuck at this job for almost a year. It sucks and I never ever want to do it again.

I'm a creative person...always have been. It's the way God made me, the way I'm wired. And I know that there's a reason for my being where I am right now, but is it too much to ask to just be clued into the "why?".

I surf the net daily, looking for jobs, applying for jobs, telling anyone that wants to listen that I'm looking for another job. I've been doing this for 12 months straight...nothing. Nada.

And I'm standing there...somewhere on the outskirts of my life, looking at the way I'm reacting to all of this, and it's not good. My brain's been shutting down, and I think I'm suffering from some sort of weird-ass depression. I have absolutely no motivation for anything anymore...except lying on my bed, watching DVD's.

That's it.

Simple

I want to warn you right from the start that, if you're going to ask me "How long have you felt like this?", or "What do you want to do, then?", or "But what do you like doing?", or "Why does it take you so long to figure this out?", I'm either going to get irritated or just not give you an answer. Truthfully, I'm processing; this is my mode of processing.

A nagging feeling has existed inside of me for a long time. This feeling of uneasiness has plagued me and I don't think it's going to go away. My sister once described it as the 'runaway' feeling. Ever felt like that? Ever thought of just bolting through the door and running, and wherever you stop, you'll just decide to start again?

I have the 'runaway' virus permanently lying dormant inside of my system...I'm a carrier. It scratches on the inside, forcing me to wonder and believe that there is something much bigger and more interesting just outside my peripheral vision. This same feeling causes me to constantly look for something new, more exciting etc.

I know there are those of you out there that can relate. I just can't settle into a mediocre life. I do become passive, though, but my brain never stops.

This "Is there something bigger?" question was partially answered a couple of years ago when I attended the Hillsong Conference in London. Obviously God is the biggest and most fullfilling thing that I can be a part of. I know that and I will never NOT know it.

But today I'm sitting here wondering where my uniqueness fits in; where does my passions, interests and character find their perfect place? I haven't found it yet; I have a rough idea, but I'm still working on it, and I have no clue how long it's going to take.

The point is, I want to be all I can be, and do all I can do. Simple really.